March Reflections

I get a newsletter from Emily P. Freeman each month.  I must have signed up while following her blog sometime back.  I like that she shares books she's reading, interesting posts she's read, and some reflections for the month.

This month she let three questions guide her own reflection and encouraged readers to do the same.  So, as one of her readers, I'm going to share my reflection this way as well.

1. What was one moment of joy in March?
2. What was a moment that surprised me in March?
3. What's one thing I want to leave behind moving into April?

I love questions like that and the reason I do is because they provoke thought.  I'm in the process of writing about books that provoke thought but that has turned into more of an epistle than a blog post. So, I've put it on hold for a while to do a little bit of...thinking.

1. Moment of joy:

I was kind of surprised as I sat and thought about all that had happened this month and all that had not.  I had so many different things that brought me joy.  I guess I will go with one of the first ones that was W-A-Y back at the beginning of the month.  A little girl whose name is Joy brought me joy as she does lots of other people.  

She is the youngest of three girls in her family and her older sisters are several years older than her.  So, she has been watching her older sisters go off to school all of her life.  She has seen them dress up to participate in school spirit days, Halloween dress-up contests, book character dress-up days, and sports team uniform donning times.  Her mother is like her mother before her and her grandmother before that and the children always pose in their finery or their wackiness so that the moment can be memorialized for years ahead.  

This year she is officially a school-girl attending Pre-K and her school had dress-up days.  So, it was her turn to shine.  They wore school spirit attire.  They wore wacky, weird get-ups.  She was so excited to have the opportunity to participate and dress up she did.  She was wild and wacky and full of spirit and a Flucy Luci like her book character, Fancy Nancy.  The top photo is her the night before book character day when she dressed like Fancy Nancy.  The next photo is her on wacky, tacky day.  I'd be willing to bet that there were few folks who were as wacky as that girl!  She and her mother planned her ensembles well in advance and she made sacrifices like sleeping in the hair curlers and getting up early to add pipe cleaners to the wacky hairdo.  All of these efforts were worth it, though, because it brought Luci Joy lots of joy.

I know for a fact that her pleasure in dressing up brought others joy as well.  My heart smiles every time I see these photos of her reveling in the fun rites of passage that children go through.  I also know that on wacky tacky day, this little pipe cleaner hairdo, mismatched socks and shoes, and bright patterned clothing wearing girl went skip-hopping along with her mother into the grocery store after school and many other people got to experience joy in her school spirit and her pure joy of self-expression!

2. A moment that surprised me:

Narrowing down to one moment of surprise for this month was truly a feat! What a month of surprises and changes was this one - not only for me but for everyone in our world today.  

I think the moment that surprised me most, however, was when I acknowledged a feeling of contentment.  I think it has become the norm in our culture for us to always want more and always need to do more and always feel there is more.  Yet, during this time of staying at home, (For the record, today marks more than twenty days of staying at home for me.) I came to realize a couple of weeks ago that I am really content.  I don't feel the need for more.  I'm satisfied with my station in life.  I'm satisfied with my home.  I'm satisfied with what I have accomplished professionally.  I'm content to just be as I am.  

I didn't feel the need to apologize for sitting around on the porch one sunny day last week and reading a book.  I don't feel the urge to do something productive like cleaning baseboards or sweeping out corners just because I have the time off from work. I am just content to be.  I don't ever recall feeling that phenomenon before.

3. One thing I want to leave behind:

Boy! This is also a difficult one to hem up!  Aren't there so many things about this particular month of March that we all would like to leave behind?  Aren't there so many things that we have already left behind during this particular month of March?

On the day that it was announced our school district would be dismissed for a long weekend to provide time for deep cleaning because a parent had visited one of our schools and had tested positive for COVID-19, a different mindset crept into me.  

I would look at people differently.  I would look at places differently.  I watched for details that I had never watched before.  I felt like I was wearing a cloud over my head and just waiting for the downpour that was going to come upon me.  I kept thinking - what if?

Those feelings began to take over my whole being and I started constantly being on the edge of an anxiety attack.  I was snappier even than usual.  I was more stand-off-ish.  I watched others so very closely.  I would have to remind myself to pause and take a deep cleansing breath.  I would have to breathe deeply and close my eyes to prevent myself from bursting into tears.  It was overpowering.

I want to leave that panicky feeling behind.

As we move forward into April of 2020, I look forward to navigating a new way of life.  I know that we don't just blink our eyes and nod our head or twitch our noses and magically we are transported.  However, I'm ready to move forward and take what March has taught me into this journey that we call life.

Return to Writing

I took a hiatus from writing. I guess I had so many other things on my mind that writing did not seem like what I needed to be doing.  I'll be honest, this past year-plus-a-little-bit has been one of the most difficult on my mind that I have ever weathered. 

Work was the hardest that it EVER has been in my life.  I felt unappreciated, disrespected, like nobody cared, like nobody listened, like I was making no impact on the world whatsoever.  For somebody who has always loved her job as a teacher and looked forward to going to work each day, that was a bitter pill to swallow. 

After questioning and seeking answers and weathering the disrespect, I finally came to peace with what was thrown at me and I have grown to really enjoy working once again.  Many of the people at the school where I have been assigned as an instructional technology coach for supporting 1:1 learning have embraced me as a friend and have been gracious collaborators in work.

Family decisions and relationships were difficult and I felt even worse about that than I did about my work situation.  Plus, throw into the mix that neighboring communities just north and east of us experienced a devastating tornado forcing us to acknowledge how little control we have.  Mike and I took a big step back and did a lot of evaluating and pondering and we have just begun growing toward a new place with the world when the impact of the Coronavirus began its influence. 

Like everybody else in the world, we had been hearing about this virus and how it was growing.  Mike and I were somewhat concerned because we have both crossed over into that magical age to become senior citizens.  We have mothers who are in their eighties and are still active and healthy but the news of the virus still made us concerned for them even more because they are active.  Then, the virus became a reality we were forced to face.

A couple of weeks ago we were just moving along in our world like always and climbing the hills put in front of us.  I would go off to work and Mike was beginning to work in his greenhouse in preparation for spring vegetables and growing them.  For a couple of days I was in and out of classrooms supporting teachers and students like always.  All winter long I have been more aware of sniffling, coughing, colds, and flu-like symptoms and seemed to be washing my hands even more than usual.  I also made a conscious effort to do things like push open doors with my hip instead of my hands and wipe off the keyboard of my computer after somebody else used it.  I noticed folks sitting elbow-to-elbow or across the desk from me who were showing signs of colds and flu and wiped the surface of my desk off a bit more frequently.  And after enjoying a long weekend, I noticed that there was still a lot of these symptoms still lingering.

Then, on Wednesday of that week, several volunteer parents came into my office area to stash their purses and bags and often would just perch on a chair there in my office to chat.  They were there to set up for the school book fair and we were excited about students having the opportunity to get new books.  On Thursday, an entire grade-level of about 400 students came through the library and browsed through the options of books, posters, bookmarks, pencils, and sundry that was offered there.  Let me remind you that middle school children are not so conscientious about keeping their hands to themselves or thoughtful about not touching everything in sight or careful about sneezing and coughing and covering their mouths.

So, all this was going on, plus, there was a steady stream, as usual, of students and teachers who visited me to find out why an online program wasn't responding or allowing their login to work or asking me how to use an online learning tool or working alongside me or across from me as we collaboratively planned lessons or learned something techy and new.  All-the-while we were shoulder-to-shoulder in distance from one another and often touching the keyboard of a Chromebook or laptop simultaneously.

Then, about mid-morning we get word that our school district was shutting down the next day and would remain closed on the following Monday.  We were told not to plan on coming back into the building because all of the schools would have a deep clean during that time.  Later, we learned that a parent with student(s) at our school and the school next door had been diagnosed with this virus.  Suddenly, a whole new sense of awareness took over my brain.

I thought about all the activity and encounters I'd had for the past few days right there in my office or in and around that school building.  I began looking at all the people around me and wondering where they had been and who they had encountered.  Knowing that we had just enjoyed a long weekend before and fellow educators and students had traveled with their families, I wondered whether they had been on any of the flights where infected people had been and thus, had exposed me.  I thought about how I live with a husband with diabetes and other age-related health issues and have my 80+ year-old mother-in-law living under my roof and wondered if I had already exposed them to something.  I thought about how many classrooms I had entered right there in that school and how many of the 1300+ people there I had visited with and quickly provided assistance and support with their computers - and possibly passed along who knows what.  Truly, a skewed perspective suddenly overtook my thinking.  I pondered and worried.

It was later announced that our school district would be closed for the entire week last week and then was updated to be closed until early April.  We've watched the news and searched for reputable sources and I pondered and worried.  It sort of made me think about the book Code Orange by Caroline Cooney.  I became much like the main character with my ponderings.  Who had I encountered and, in turn, who had encountered me?

I have now spent a bit more than a week at home.  It was wonderful to catch up on some reading, do a bit of spring cleaning, sleep late, and just rest.  All the while I've been pondering and we've been thinking and discussing this new situation and all the questions which arise.  We've prayed together as we lift up others who are not as fortunate as we are.  We've done all we know to do to build faith, confidence, and security in one another and those with whom we come into contact. 

Then, for some reason I awoke this morning with the feeling that I need to write again.  So, I am returning to this blog and will be writing and sharing thoughts and ideas.  I hope you will come along for the read.